Together Forever (or not, but that’s fine)

My mother was often fond of quoting Alfred Lord Tennyson’s famous line when I was younger: “’Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” For a while, I wondered what that really meant, and if she was right. After all, easy for her to say. She was married, had friends, and was (I believe) happy. Would she still agree if she was alone?

Then in January I broke up with my first boyfriend, who I had been with for two years. I’ll let you imagine the typical heartache. And yet, as I was picking up the pieces of my heart, serving coffee to strangers who were probably wondering why I was crying, I could feel a sliver of hope. I knew I would be ok, surprisingly. I also knew I would love again. It’s just as cliché as it’s ever been. But it feels true.

It can be tempting to cut feelings off before they have time to end. I might be leaving the country in the summer, for example. It’s easy to think “maybe I shouldn’t get involved with someone. Maybe I should save myself the trouble, the heartbreak.” Only a few weeks ago my brother, who is moving continents in June, said he was afraid to date a girl he had met because he didn’t want to deal with the inevitable pain if they got entangled.

I told him I understood that fear, and then I told him to go for it. What kind of life would this be if we cut ourselves off from relationships, only because we can see where they’re going to end? Most are going to end anyway – only we can’t see exactly where. In some ways it’s worse when you know, but that doesn’t change how great that relationship can be.

As someone who loves traveling, and has lived in four countries in my teenage life, I understand the urge to cut things off before they start. It doesn’t only apply to romantic relationships. Sometimes I can feel myself getting close to someone as a friend, knowing we’re going to be best friends (or suddenly already are), and I start to feel powerless. I don’t want to know I’m only going to leave again. Ultimately though, it doesn’t help to take preemptive action. I’m not about to cut off a friendship just because I know within six months we could be on opposite sides of the planet. Love, like the kind I’ve been so lucky to have with so many of my friends, is special. It’s worth having, even when you’re aware it can’t last in this form forever.

I can’t deny how tempting it is to start pulling away once I know exactly how long I have left with someone. Three months until I leave the country? Maybe for a very long time? Excellent time to put a slow, painful end to this! As my very wise friend Brenna patiently explained to me the other day though, all I’m doing is pulling my heart out of my chest a little earlier. It doesn’t make it any easier – in fact, it makes it worse. Because instead of enjoying the happiness I’ve found, I’m counting down the days until it ends.

Here’s another thing Brenna told me (that a friend in turn had told her): moments of happiness in life don’t last long. We don’t want to admit that to ourselves. But it’s the truth, and it can be seen two ways: either we can mourn something before it has ended, or we can enjoy it as fully as possible while we can. The first option is self-destructive, even if it’s tempting. The second is sometimes harder, but it’s happier.

When you first start dating someone, and you’ve just managed to admit to each other that you love one another, it can be difficult (sickeningly) to stop saying “I love you.” I looked at my quasi-boyfriend the other day, and said, “I wonder when I’m going to stop saying it?” Without a pause he said, “hopefully never.”

And here’s the thing: I doubt he means that logically. We do not have plans to commit to a lifetime together. I don’t even believe it is possible to sustain that intensity for long.

But there are moments when you want your feelings to extend into the future, without worrying where they are going to end. You want to feel they will, in fact, never end. Even when that logic is wrong.

What happened with my brother and the girl he asked on a date? They’re together now. Maybe not forever, but they’re together.▼