The First Time
In all honesty I didn’t know what to expect asking for these stories and what I got were some truly sincere responses. I’ll let them speak for themselves. One particular story is hard to read but I include it because we are not about censorship, and the people who shared their stories trusted us to publish them in full. We need to be honest with you though, the last story is very heavy and we encourage you to skip it if you're not particularly sure you want to read about abuse, or simply are reading for a good time.
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“I had been with my boyfriend at the time (my first love) for about four months when we lost our virginity to each other. There was nothing particularly outrageous about it! It was in his single bed at home one night when we had the house to ourselves. It was painful, both being virgins probably didn't help! But it was nice, I trusted him completely. We are still good friends (our relationship lasted about 18 months in total) and I'm pleased that it was with someone who's still important to me.”
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“It was my first year of uni, and my boyfriend of three years was visiting. It was awkward, it was painful, it was, in general, Not Nice. My bf told me that it was supposed to hurt the first time, that I was supposed to bleed. FYI, this is a common myth. If you're relaxed and into it, it shouldn't hurt nor bleed. Looking back, I was so desperate to grow up that I pressured myself into it. We stopped because it hurt too much. The first time I actually had sex that I enjoyed was a year later, with someone who made sure I was comfortable first. It was strange for me at the time to be with someone who kept stopping to check in with me, who kept reminding me that we can stop whenever I wanted. It was weird, but now I realise that's what a healthy relationship felt like. My advice? Don't settle for anything less.”
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“I was 19. He was a good friend from uni who I'd had a massive crush on for over a year. At the time I thought it was pretty good, but subsequent experiences determined this was not the case. At all. We never had sex again after that. He didn't know I was a virgin, and doesn't to this day.”
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“My first time was with a boyfriend. We had been dating for 8 months, and we were both virgins. He waited until I was ready. I had decided I had to be in love with him, and when we did finally do it I was convinced of this. It was quite painful to begin with, but there was no blood, and after a while (he was very patient and let me get used to him) it did become pleasurable. Afterwards, when he went to get rid of the condom, we noticed that it had slipped a bit, and we both freaked out. The next day we went straight to the pharmacy for the ECP, and taking this made me feel sick and messed up my periods for about four months following. We continued to have sex, but for a long time I associated sex with these side effects - I also got several UTIs early on.”
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“My first time was with a boy I thought I was going to be with forever. It was brief, protected and a little awkward. It only happened the once before we broke up, he then went on to be my close friends first time also. Which hurt more than losing my virginity.”
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"We're sold this notion of 'loss of virginity' being something something that only happens when a penis enters a vagina for the very first time. That puts a bi girl in a funny situation, of either adhering to this annoyingly heteronormative standard; or making a statement and not -- and being considered 'still a virgin'.
My first time was pretty good: A fun, low expectation, consensual experience with a close friend. And yea, it fit the very heteronormative view of what sex ought to be, although I hold that it made no difference to me whether it did or not: it's all sex.
Oh, and there was considerably less (actually no) pain or blood than I was led to believe by the magazines of my teenage years."
“It was with a girl I had had a crush on for like five years, since I was in year nine. During my first year at university we became really good friends and I crashed at her place a lot. One lazy saturday morning we were lying in bed, watching each other in the sun through the curtains. She kissed me. She kissed me! We proceeded to smooch for some time and then moved on to... uh. Other things. They were very nice. I orgasmed somewhat. Yup.”
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“My first time was with a boy I started dating at high school, and I wanted it to be perfect like they all say it should be. We had been together for two months, and he was very keen to try doing it with me - it wasn't his first time. But for me, I wanted to be sure, and figured it was a long way off. I invited him away with friends one weekend, assuming nothing would change as we had slept together in the same bed before. When we arrived and it became clear he had made an effort to get condoms and told himself it would happen, we started to argue.
For me, I didn't really want to do it, and didn’t see the rush. He thought I was just nervous, and so argued with me until it got very sour. He then said, “alright, let’s stop arguing.” He then asked me the same question. Sick of disagreeing (and being so tired I forgot myself), I caved, and let him do it. Although it felt amazing, and I have loved sex from then on, it still feels like it would have been different if he had respected me a little more. I now know it was my right to say no, and he had no right to argue with me about my consent, and I wish I had at least said no that time, and waited until I knew I was ready. Even though people never are sure they “are ready” or “aren’t ready”, I think it’s all about how you feel at the time – it’s your deal, no-one elses.”
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“My story is more about a decision than an experience. I'm waiting 'till marriage. "Waiting till marriage" - much easier said than done, and much harder than people make it out to be! For me, waiting is about saving something special for my husband. However, the constant pressure in the media and social circles makes it hard some days to stick to my decision, when it makes you feel abnormal or weird - and sometimes unwanted. I guess what I want to say is to others who are waiting - you're not alone.”
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“It was with my first boyfriend when I was 18. I guess not knowing any boys during my teenage years gave me lots of time to think about the subject so I knew I was ready. After a few makeout sessions we got to it. We were together for a bit and I don't even remember the specific occasion that was my first. It was nothing special.”
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“My first time was with a long-term boyfriend. We had been together 3 years when we first started having full-on sex (we'd done everything else up to that point). I was riddled with church-based guilt that made the first time quite stressful. It was painful, uncomfortable, but not embarrassing or negative because it was with someone I loved and who loved me. I remember the condom came off and I had to dig it out of myself, which was a bit gross.”
“I kind of have mixed feelings about my first time having sex. My parents were away for the weekend and I think I felt that this 'had' to be the moment. That Saturday I shaved and scrubbed vigorously, barely ate anything.
As a result of all this pressure I put on myself, I was incredibly nervous and it hurt like a motherfucker. And I bled. It was certainly far from the dreamy, erotic lovefest that I had fantasised about for my 'first time', but it was also consensual and loving, with someone I trusted. We were able to laugh together at the inherent awkwardness of it all.
But I do wish we had waited, had got to know each others' bodies before heading straight into penis-in-vagina fucking. I wish teens weren't fed the narrative that you have to fuck a certain way for it to count as 'your first time'.
Ultimately though, I don't regret that night. It was the beginning of an amazing relationship with 'my first', one that would last several years. It was also the night I discovered a new side of myself: someone who was sexual and sexy, and I had never thought that could be me.”
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“I was 19 the first time I had sex. Nothing really changed after. I had expected to feel different but I didn't. I didn't make myself wait ‘til I was old enough or ‘til I'd been with my boyfriend long enough or anything like that but I'd also never wanted to until that point. My boyfriend had never had sex before either, so it took us a while to get good at it. He'd never put on a condom before and it hurt too much to really work so the first time wasn't great. It took me about four times to really start enjoying myself and it got better and better with practice.”
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“There's a quote attributed to Andy Warhol that goes: "Sex is the biggest nothing of all time." And that's essentially how I feel about my first time. It seemed like a terrifying hurdle at the time, but the actual act was just a "that's it?" moment. We were both very drunk virgins at a party. I was mostly glad to lose it, but I felt bad afterward that I had taken hers with almost triviality. Funny that I valued others' virtue but not my own.”
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"During my first sexual encounter my cat jumped on the bed 'during' and gave me a massive fright. I screamed "oh my god!" and my partner misunderstood and thought he must be doing something right... But I called it all off to take the cat outside, because it was too weird knowing it was in the room."
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“My first time was exactly as I had hoped, in my first year of uni, I was "in love" and he had had sex before. Even though the person it was with is no longer a part of my life, at the time, I was more than ready and happy to share that moment with them.
It was, looking back, the most mediocre sex of my life! No movie style sweating and back-arching. It's just as if your whole teenage years build up to that moment, everything you remember from movies is done in a flash, meh. Since that day I have realized sex isn't a such a big deal after all, nor is it very satisfying, unless it is with someone who truly means something to you (then you get the sweat etc!).
And I have also learnt, girls are super touchy about sex and how many partners they have. The "less is more" ideal. Thanks again for that notion, movies. Don't let any girl, even your best friend, make you feel guilty for feeling that sex, is just sex, is just sex. If you ever get called a slut or a whore for having fun with a few different people, experimenting with your sexuality or just happening to find someone you love through a drunken night of sex - tell her to fuck her jealous ass right off. Amen, sistah.”
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“My very first experience? I guess that would have been a blow job I gave a guy. We were in the uni hall kinda messing around and we didn't have any condoms so I thought I'd try my hand at sucking his dick. So I put it in my mouth and moved it around a bit. Soon I detached, looked him in the eyes and said "I don't know how to do this". His response: "Me neither".”
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“I was 15 and had my first boyfriend who I was super crazy about. We'd been dating 3 months and I was loving every second of it. But I wasn't ready for sex, at all. He was, and started pressuring me a lot. He got a whole bunch of condoms and just said "for when you're ready" but expected that to be really really soon. Anyway, one day we were walking through the park after coming home from Xmas shopping and we decided to try it. There was no foreplay, just us, under a tree, he puts the condom on and tries to shove it it. Obvs it hurts like fuck. We think that's my fault, and try to shove it in more. I start bleeding. I can't stand the pain. He says "should I shove it all in at once to get it over with?" He tries. I start crying. Eventually we gave up.”
“My first time was not like most, not that I imagine there is a norm, however if there was I don't think mine would fit this category. I was 9 years old when I was raped. A child. My first experience of a sexual encounter was terrifying, horrific and utterly confusing. As a child you are taught to love and respect family, they are meant to be everything right? Let me tell you this sends a very confusing message to a child when she is being raped by her older brother. I would like to tell you this was the first and only time however I have three years worth of memories to counter argue that. Since then I have hid from sex, I haven't had sex with anyone since. The thought alone sends shivers down my spine. I wish I could tell a story about being ready, about it being with someone I loved, about rose petals and promises of forever... But unfortunately my experience was different. and that is what you asked for... a range of experiences.”
There are a lot of preconceptions about sex, myths and legends pervade our social circles. One of the most important things you should be aware of that's not really talked about in your health class is the idea of consent. If you are feeling concerned or just curious about sex check out the youtube videos by the lovely Laci Green -- here's one about virginity.
As always, stay safe and happy! ▼
